home *** CD-ROM | disk | FTP | other *** search
- Ana Doodle
- subject = Self
-
- Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.
-
- ôNothing can bring you peace but yourself." "Yourself,"à I am
- thinking about the time when my best friend died, and when I stopped
- being myself and my life started going to hell.
- It happened maybe two or three years ago. The day is very clear
- in my memory. The weather was cold and nasty. The monotonous rain
- made everything outside look gray. I was at home, waiting for my
- girlfriend to arrive. I was sitting on the couch drinking hot tea and
- feeling warm and cozy. My cat was there too, I remember. We were
- watching a Mexican soap opera, and I think the cat was enjoying it,
- but I wasnÆt paying much attention to what was going on. All I cared
- about was that my girlfriend was finally coming home and that we
- would be able to see each other again. She had left only four weeks
- earlier, but I missed her greatly. We had been friends since the
- first grade. In the beginning we were the worst enemies; we just
- hated each other. Oh, how we fought! One time she accused me of
- taking her marker, even though I did not know what marker she was
- talking about. I remember her mother came to school and everyone
- was mad at me and was convinced that I was guilty. Later she found
- her marker. It seems she had put it in a wrong box. This turned out
- to be the first, but not the last, accident that would occur. What
- didnÆt we argue about? After a while, hmmm, five years, we became
- the best friends ever. We were perfectly compatible with each other.
- We began spending all of our time together. We were vital to each
- other. I came to know each and every detail about her as she did
- about me. My life was intertwined with her life and her life was
- intertwined with mine. It was the most enduring friendship of my
- life.
- I looked at the clock above my head. Four fifty. She was supposed
- to arrive at three oÆclock. I felt uncomfortable; some weird feeling
- crawled around my heart. I did not understand it. I waited and waited.
- It was dark already and I was afraid of being in solitude. I couldnÆt
- stand it anymore. Five oÆclock.
- The phone rang and it startled me. Who might it be? I wasnÆt
- expecting a phone call from anyone. I got up from the couch and
- picked up the phone. "Who is this"-said the voice flatly. I answered
- him and asked how I could help him. I didnÆt know anything yet, but
- my spine felt cold and I had an irrational feeling of fear. "I am
- Detective James," said the man, "and I have to tell you thatà" He
- told me she was dead. A car wreck. He wanted me to come to the
- hospital. Her family had died too.
- I hung up the phone and I felt immobile. His words were like a cold
- shower, a crash, whatever you want to call it, but as I felt, it was
- the end, that line which separates life and death and I stepped over
- it. My memories and feelings were erased and my life was amorphous. I
- no longer cared about anything and nobody - friends, family, or
- strangers - could help me. I mechanically did whatever they wanted
- me to do, but I was immune to their advise and nothing could
- illuminate my life. I thought my life was over, that it was empty. I
- would never see her again, and we would never hear each otherÆs
- laughter again. She died and part of me died with her.
- Life went on lifelessly. Nothing was important to me. After awhile
- I felt that I wanted someone to help me, to pull me out of my hole.
- But it is hard to admit, nobody could. I couldnÆt find peace within
- myself. At some point I felt like standing up and screaming-"HELP."
- Some people tried to help me, but they could not. I donÆt think they
- understood what I needed. Time went on and life did too. I didnÆt
- find any mortal to help me, but I found a great supporter, a
- benefactor in myself. I didnÆt have to go anywhere but within myself.
- I didnÆt have to ask anyone but myself. This self helped me and
- brought me back to earth, to the world with sun and happiness. It
- soothed the pain in my heart and healed my soul. I talked to myself
- and realized what I wanted and what I needed in my life. As I see it,
- I found myself in myself.
- Since then I always turn for help, not to a doctor, but to my own
- self, and I always find exactly what I need there. I learned the
- lesson.
-
-
-
-
-
-